To read or not to read — The costly price you pay of losing yourself for not loving yourself enough, please read IF:
- If you are curious,
- If you would like to understand or get more insight on what the price you pay is,
- If you find yourself in many situations that end up becoming really emotionally strenuous, or difficult for yourself.
- If you want to find some creative inspiration,
- If you want to potentially change your life, then read on:
*** disclaimer: these are journal entries for healing — but i also believe them to be helpful, if you find comfort in learning from other’s experiences, because you relate in some way, please read on:
The costly price of abandoning yourself
The cost of not loving yourself is greater than you realize at first…
And maybe at first you don’t even realize that you don’t love yourself.
You may think you do,
but way deep down,
where no one dares to look,
Deep in the depths,
Where you don’t even go,
You’ll find that you were there,
Abandoned.
You abandoned yourself because at some point in your life, someone told you that you were not worthy
Of yourself
The one you were all along
The one that had big dreams, the one that sparkled brightly even in rooms dark and light,
You know the one
The little kid that wished for everything, and who believed they could have it all, doing what they dreamed of, being loved, being yourself and enjoying everything great this beautiful world had to offer
Then you grew up
Because you were told to
You were told you would not achieve these things, because that’s not reality,
That’s not how things work
And maybe along the way
You were led astray,
Completely and utterly led in a direction that made you give up
And that made you accept less than you were worth
Because that’s what you thought your deserved.
Have you ever looked at something you didn’t want to do, and did it anyways because you just accepted that that is how things were?
At one point these things that were told to you, this story
You believed
And over time you obeyed
And you started to lose yourself
You didn’t know how to love yourself anymore
You forgot what love was even like
Because you were told what it was
And because you accepted this over time
Your standards lowered
You expected less and less
Until you found yourself questioning why you always ended up in situations that ran you dry,
That you cried over more days than you’d like to admit
The job you worked so hard to get ,you hated,
And it ate at you, taking pieces of your soul each day.
How did we get here?
How did we end up accepting and even welcoming in people and situations that treated us like dirt,
We knew it,
And we still let them in.
Why?
Because we stopped loving ourselves.
We stopped thinking we deserved better and accepted the stories we were told,
Of what existed
Of what we could get.
I know this is not super easy to read.
I know it’s gross and it’s hard to accept that really at the end of the day, it was us that kept us there.
Kept us small, darkened our light.
Let us take terrible treatment and make excuses for all of it.
In the sake of avoiding being alone.
Because god forbid you are alone.
With yourself.
You.
The little kid you abandoned.
Because you believed that everyone told you that kid could not exist, as is. Dreams, quirks, gifts, and all.
It wasn’t realistic.
But maybe it’s time to open that door.
Apologize to yourself,
The little kid may cry, scream, yell at you and memories of pain will come through during this conversation and apology you give yourself. For letting yourself move on from who you really were.
All to fit in.
It’s okay, it’s part of the healing process.
But it’s worth it.
The cost of reliving the pain and hurt you went through and the lies and stories that you or others told yourself, is crucial to healing this.
Your worth.
Your beliefs.
Your standards.
They need to go back to what they were.
When you were a kid.
You need to believe that what you told yourself as a kid, was possible, because it is.
You need to spend sometime with yourself, your inner kid. To have fun, to feel the joy,
And most importantly you need to love yourself. Because when you love yourself,
You choose wisely,
You make better decisions,
You say no to tempting offers of love, work, and communities, that seem wonderful and fun, but you know deep down are not for you.
And you will accept better,
You will only accept with what aligns with you,
The treatment,
The way of living,
Because you love yourself,
And you could be alone,
While the world slowly heals you
And you rebuild your life and bonds and work with only things that you know are GOOD for you.
You know
You always knew,
And you may be alone here and there,
But you won’t mind it,
It won’t be scary,
You will love being around yourself,
Because you love yourself,
And choose to live your life authentically,
As you are.